# Cheatsheet: Difficult Conversations (Stone, Patton, Heen) This cheatsheet summarizes the core principles for navigating difficult conversations effectively by shifting from a "message delivery" stance to a "learning" stance. ## The Core Problem & The Shift | The Old Way (Message Delivery) | The New Way (Learning Conversation) | | :--- | :--- | | I have a message to deliver. | I have information to share and questions to ask. | | My purpose is to persuade them I'm right. | My purpose is to understand their story, express my own, and solve the problem together. | | I assume I know all I need to know. | I assume I have missing information. | --- ## The Three Conversations Framework Every difficult conversation is actually three conversations in one. Understanding them is the first step. | Conversation | Common Mistakes (What to Avoid) | The Learning Stance (What to Do) | | :--- | :--- | :--- | | **1. The "What Happened?" Conversation** | **The Truth Assumption**: Arguing over who's right and who's wrong. <br> **The Intention Invention**: Assuming their intentions from the impact on you. <br> **The Blame Frame**: Focusing on who is at fault for the problem. | **Explore Stories**: Get curious about their perspective. How do they see it? What information do they have that you don't? <br> **Disentangle Intent from Impact**: Acknowledge the impact on you, and state your assumption about their intent as a question. <br> **Map the Contribution System**: Shift from blame to understanding how you *both* contributed to the situation. | | **2. The Feelings Conversation** | **Avoiding or Hiding Feelings**: Trying to keep emotion out of it, which leads to feelings "leaking" or bursting out. | **Acknowledge and Validate**: Understand that feelings are at the heart of the matter. Express your own feelings clearly ("I feel...") without judgment or attribution. Acknowledge theirs. Feelings crave acknowledgement. | | **3. The Identity Conversation** | **All-or-Nothing Thinking**: Your identity is on the line. Any negative feedback means you are either competent or incompetent, good or bad, lovable or unlovable. | **Complexify Your Identity (The "And Stance")**: Ground yourself. You can be a good person *and* make mistakes. You can have good intentions *and* have a negative impact. You are not defined by this single conversation. | --- ## A Step-by-Step Guide to a Learning Conversation | Step | Action | Key Phrases & Questions | | :--- | :--- | :--- | | **1. Prepare** | Walk through the Three Conversations for yourself first. What's your story? What are your feelings? What identity issues are at stake for you? | "What assumptions am I making? What might their story be?" | | **2. Check Your Purpose** | Decide if you should raise the issue. Your purpose should be to learn, share, and problem-solve. Avoid goals like "change them" or "get them to admit they're wrong." | "What do I hope to accomplish with this conversation? Is this the right way to achieve it?" | | **3. Start from the Third Story** | Begin the conversation like a neutral mediator. Describe the problem as a *difference* between your stories, not as the "truth." | "I've been thinking about what happened, and it seems we see the situation differently. I'd like to share my perspective and learn more about yours." | | **4. Explore & Express** | Use active listening, paraphrasing, and inquiry to understand their story. Then, share your own story and feelings with clarity, using "I feel..." statements and the "And Stance." | "Tell me more about..." <br> "So, from your perspective, it seems like..." <br> "I feel [emotion], and I see that my actions had an impact on you." | | **5. Problem-Solve Together** | Once both parties feel heard and understood, start inventing options. Brainstorm solutions that meet both sides' most important needs and concerns. | "Given our different perspectives, what's a path forward that might work for both of us?" <br> "What principles of fairness could we apply here?" | --- ## Key Phrases for Reframing | When they say... (Blame/Truth) | You can say... (Contribution/Learning) | | :--- | :--- | | "This is all your fault." | "It sounds like you're really unhappy with how this turned out. I know I played a role in this. I'd like to understand what you see as my contribution, and then I can share mine." | | "The fact is, you were wrong." | "I can see how you see it that way. My perspective is different, and I'd like to explain why. It seems we have different information or are interpreting it differently." | | "You intended to hurt me." | "I can see that what I did had a big impact on you and that you felt hurt. That wasn't my intention, but I want to understand more about how my actions affected you." |