She Comes First - Ian Kerner  ## Metadata - Author: **Ian Kerner** - Full Title: She Comes First - Category: #books ## Highlights - when it comes to pleasuring women and conversing in the language of love, cunnilingus should be every man’s native tongue. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfasccdwcwbqyfb4nnvn1hb1)) - “write boldly and make definite assertions.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfasexbw2g1my6xewmzmvwmj)) - Hite Report on Female Sexuality ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfasnj8ncasabmfcekr7asjt)) - In her article “Just Be a Man: Six Simple Suggestions,” sex columnist Amy Sohn’s very first piece of advice is, “A man goes down. No excuses. No hesitation.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfaspw3zspfbeaeg4rz97gk5)) - In her essay “Lip Service: On Being a Cunning Linguist,” author and sex columnist Anka Radakovich sings the praises of a boyfriend who specialized in oral sex: “I became tongue-whipped (the female equivalent of pussy-whipped) and even offered to do his laundry if he would come over and satisfy me. After two months, I put a framed photo of his tongue on my desk.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfasv4jcrgmafjm14b529zwg)) - Any sex therapist will tell you that the number one complaint they hear over and over from women is of an inability to experience orgasm during penis-vagina intercourse. The solution is not simply “more foreplay,” as magazines often chide us, but rather the skillful extension of those activities we associate with foreplay, namely oral stimulation, into complete, fully realized acts of lovemaking—the transformation of foreplay into nothing less than coreplay. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfasxpdk4b977nzq5f4278p3)) - Dispense with “disinformation” and cultivate a true understanding of female sexuality • Think clitorally, rather than vaginally; to focus on stimulation as opposed to penetration • Postpone gratification without sacrificing pleasure • Turn foreplay into coreplay • Skillfully navigate the process of female sexual response and appreciate the role of the clitoris as the powerhouse of pleasure • Develop a sense of awareness that will render the often elusive female orgasm knowable and tangible beyond the shadow of a doubt ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfat1nn2jev8gva1ctb2t7fd)) - As the founding editors of Men’s Health magazine, Stefan Bechtel and Laurence Roy Stains, so succinctly put it in their book Sex: A Man’s Guide, “Studies show that three fourths of men are finished with sex within a few minutes of starting. But women often need 15 minutes or more to become sufficiently aroused for orgasm. And therein lies a world of rage, grief, and airborne pots and pans.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfat8vet8fjqr5nvsp1wwxna)) - When it comes to pleasuring women, keep in mind the ancient words of Taoist master Wu Hsien, “The man must keep the situation in control and benefit from the communion without undue haste.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfatb12whh4wnr5wq9w6ksap)) - With its eight thousand nerve endings (twice as many as the penis), enviable ability to produce multiple orgasms during a single session of sex, and no known purpose other than pleasure, is it any wonder that Masters and Johnson proclaimed the clitoris “a unique organ in the total of humanity”? The clitoris has over eighteen parts, both visible and hidden, that participate in the production of pleasure. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfatcatb8bj2nzgnth0b56ef)) - Learn from Your Mistakes: Unlike the adolescent boys of the Cook Island of Mangaia, who, according to author Shane Mooney, are trained in the finer points of breast stimulation, cunnilingus, and delayed ejaculation in order to guarantee the pleasure of their future partners, our Western education is, alas, an incomplete one. When surveyed by Shere Hite regarding their partners’ oral techniques, the vast majority of women complained that guys were too rough, too impatient; too fast, too slow; off target, or they changed rhythm at the wrong time. One woman even exclaimed, “It seems like he is trying to erase my clitoris.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfatjm8cy2t7cmn9zpqepkc1)) - As author Sally Tisdale put it in her book Talk Dirty to Me: An Intimate Philosophy of Sex, “We can’t really explain how arousal feels, what an orgasm is, and the closer we get to one, the less value words have, the less we can use language at all.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfatktzd6fckj7w2ecyyqw1k)) - Today, I am convinced that one of the main sources of PE is poor masturbation habits—how boys are taught, or rather not taught, to do it quickly, furtively, and shrouded in taboo and secrecy. It doesn’t take long for a young man to program himself to seek his pleasure quickly, and as we all know, bad habits are difficult to break. Perhaps if someone had told me early on to masturbate with a woman’s orgasm in mind, rather than my own, I would have been spared years of turmoil. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfawwkmzascaa5v0m8q484e8)) - “To submit to another’s belly, or another’s mouth. Oral sex may be the most potent of sexual acts. It is an act of power derived from the most vulnerable kind of intimacy.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfax28bx3dxay5mmw2hmv2dw)) - Male sexuality seems different from mine fundamentally because nothing need be involved but the head and shaft of the penis, no other part of the body need be troubled, touched, undressed, or soiled…the male orgasm has always seemed to me to burst almost from nowhere, to be infinitely more ready and willing than my own. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfaxb9s71myr992cyvtxvj26)) - “The male belongs to Yang Yang’s peculiarity is that he is easily aroused. But also he easily retreats. The female belongs to Yin. Yin’s peculiarity is that she is slow to be aroused But also slow to be satiated.” (Taoist master Wu Hsien) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfaxczcskbppyy20n81mdjj4)) - Like a Greek column, the clitoris has three components—a head, a shaft, and a base—that extend throughout the pelvic area, with visible structures encompassing the entire area of the vulva, from the top of the pubic bone down to the anus, as well as unseen parts inside the vaginal area. In their landmark work, A New View of a Woman’s Body: A Fully Illustrated Guide, the Federation of Feminist Women’s Health Centers identified eighteen structures in the clitoral network, some visible, some hidden. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfay3rfw3b1f5409z365g5eg)) - In fact, the clitoris was created from the same embryonic tissue as the penis, and can be compared point by point with the male genitalia. And unlike the penis—burdened with the responsibilities of reproduction and the removal of waste—the clitoris is devoted solely to pleasure and confers upon the female “an infinitely greater capacity for sexual response than a man ever dreamed of.” (Masters and Johnson) According to Greek mythology, when Zeus and Hera went to the hermaphrodite Tiresias in order to determine who experiences more pleasure from sex, men or women, Tiresias responded, “If the sum of love’s pleasure adds up to ten—nine parts go to women, only one to men.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfay7apzg0bv8tya65jhkxqg)) - WHEN DESCRIBING SEX in the proverbial locker room, men tend to employ the language of penetration—adjectives like “hard” and “deep.” We go in, we extricate: “I fucked the——out of her”—as though pleasure was something buried deep inside her womb, a nugget to be rammed, jostled, and liberated with the powerful male tool. Rare is the man who says, “I made love to her as subtly and lightly as a feather”; “I grazed her vulva as with the delicate wings of a butterfly”; “I barely touched her she came so hard!” And yet such language would be more appropriate, as the inner two thirds of the vagina are substantially less sensitive than the outer third. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfayc345sdbjsh21h5gf3nna)) - Tags: #sex #cunnilinguism - This sort of talk is none too popular, mainly because it challenges the very foundation upon which our society’s conception of sex has been forged, and throws into doubt the value of intercourse as the principal paradigm for constructing a model of mutual pleasure. From losing one’s virginity to the consummation of a relationship to the cherished simultaneous orgasm, our culture has enshrined the role of genital penetration as the be-all, end-all of heterosexual relationships. Where would the “third date” be without it? ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfayf1jq1yasfyba4s1cbfhj)) - So when considering all of the various terms and types of female orgasm that are often bandied about, we can simplify matters by adopting “Occam’s razor,” the principle coined by the medieval philosopher William of Occam that lies at the root of all scientific modeling and theory building: Entia non sunt multiplicanda necessitatem. Translation: “One should not make more assumptions than are absolutely necessary.” When we speculate about the nature of a given phenomenon (like the female orgasm), this principle beseeches us to eliminate those concepts, variables, or constructs that are not needed to explain the phenomenon. In doing so, we reduce inconsistencies, ambiguities, and redundancies, as well as the likelihood of error. So there’s no need to quibble over semantics when it comes to identifying orgasms. The clitoris encompasses them all. The tongue is far better used to produce orgasms than to waste time naming them. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfazfdqq5n6jtv87z7pdpz0z)) - The Tongue Is Mightier Than the Sword ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfazfscvf5w3c8pe06rsdrxz)) - But having the right tool is just a start; you need to know how to use it. Many women complain woefully about men’s oral techniques: the lack of consistent, rhythmic pressure; their roughness; the mad stampede for the clitoris. As Strunk and White wrote in Elements of Style, “Do not overstate…a single overstatement, wherever or however it occurs, diminishes the whole.” Sadly, many women also complain about men’s attitudes toward cunnilingus: squeamish and hesitant; overeager, impatient, even angry. And many men fail to finish what they started. In The Hite Report on Male Sexuality, the author observes that although most men enjoy cunnilingus, only a small minority of men continued to perform it until the woman reached orgasm. Most men consider cunnilingus an aspect of foreplay, an appetizer to be served before the main meal of genital intercourse. But according to author Paula Kamen, “In a study of sexually knowledgeable and experienced women who use a vibrator, the most common type of stimulation that usually or always triggers an orgasm is oral sex.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfaznkn77424kzehp7hsgajy)) - Even though the genitals of both men and women are formed from the same embryonic material, and develop during gestation in an equivalent manner, the penis grows out, while much of the clitoris grows in. (Interestingly, Oliver Wendell Holmes remarked that the female genitalia were simply those of the male turned inside out. But on the contrary, modern science teaches us that the male is a modified female, differentiated during the first trimester of pregnancy. So if anything, the male genitalia are a mirror image of the female’s rather than vice versa.) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfb05gq737h3pn101faz4gdc)) -  ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfb0fn5y1skd5b7wd6gkr190)) - Although the vagina plays an extremely active role in the reproductive process, it takes a backseat to the clitoris in the production of pleasure; ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfb0j65p8swtfcy1d6hqxagm)) - Interestingly, the principal function of pubic hair is to attract and retain odors that stem from the release of glands in the pubic area and serve as a source of arousal. As Napoleon noted in a love letter to Josephine: “A thousand kisses to your neck, your breasts, and lower down, much lower down, that little black forest I love so well.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfgykwb4fkza5hcq380drawe)) - Some anthropologists speculate that a woman’s use of lipstick stems from her desire to have the visible upper lips resemble the inner hidden lips below—a signal to the opposite sex that she is sexually ready. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfgyve7qbxqkz05j3mwj6yf5)) - The inner lips enfold and surround the clitoral glans (the head), the urethral opening, and the introitus (entrance) to the vagina. Like the inner side of the labia majora, these smaller, inner lips have no hair, but are layered with oil glands that look and feel like tiny bumps. Dense with nerves, the inner lips are extremely sensitive and play an important role in the process of arousal. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfgyxrebhc9zb5cmq1d6sw4d)) - The Hood. The outer edges of the inner lips meet just above the sensitive clitoral head to form the well-known protective hood (which is analogous to the foreskin of the penis), also known as the prepuce. The friction created when the clitoral hood rubs against the head is a powerful source of stimulation and pleasure. The hood also protects the head from overstimulation; just prior to the release of orgasm, it’s into the folds of the hood that the head seeks refuge. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfgz1tarmhtfyf5sdcdghvvd)) - The Frenulum. Below the head, the inner edges of the labia minora meet to form the frenulum, a small expanse of soft, sensitive skin, also known as the bridle. Like the inner lips, this area is rich in nerve fibers and is extremely sensitive to the touch. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfgz6xg2vjrbez7zbd2n815h)) - The Clitoral Glans (the head). Protected by the hood of the inner lips, the head is the crown jewel that rests atop the unseen shaft and crura (the legs). With approximately eight thousand nerve endings, twice as many as the head of the penis and more than any other part of the human body, the head is the visible part of a woman’s clitoris that often gets referred to as the “love button.” It’s not a bad term; just remember that it applies to only one part of the clitoris—the head. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfgzbn8wpems834ynz8eyb2b)) - Perineum. The perineum is the small expanse of skin just above the anus and just beneath the vaginal entrance (sometimes referred to casually as the “taint,” because “it t’aint one or the other”). Beneath the skin of the perineum is a network of blood vessels and tissue, which fill with blood during arousal and become intensely sensitive. Dr. Kinsey observed during his research that the perineum is “highly sensitive to touch, and tactile stimulation of the area may provide considerable erotic arousal.” When making your travel plans of the clitoral network, make sure to include this southern hot spot. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jfgzh4fa0h456fbxyqdyzj14))