Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships - Johnson, Sue  ## Metadata - Author: **Johnson, Sue** - Full Title: Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships - Category: #books ## Highlights - In the 1970s, however, love began heading the list in surveys of what American women and men look for in a mate. And by the 1990s, with vast numbers of women in the workforce, marriage in the Western world had completely shifted from an economic enterprise to, as sociologist Anthony Giddens calls it, an “emotional enterprise.” In a 2001 U.S. poll, 80 percent of women in their twenties said that having a man who could talk about his feelings was more important than having one who could make a good living. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k409e5ey3yh8v63r7xxj293p)) - Loneliness researcher John Cacioppo, a psychologist at the University of Chicago, contends that in Western societies, “social connection has been demoted from a necessity to an incidental.” As a result, our partners have been forced to fill the void. They serve as lover, family, friend, village, and community. And emotional connection is the only glue in this vital, unique relationship. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k409htyhxp9mczjykbzk2pcb)) - Albert Einstein lamented: “How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k409kgw6d5ka2556fh1saheg)) - The first and foremost instinct of humans is neither sex nor aggression. It is to seek contact and comforting connection. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k409naq3ncr8t4ac8pk8zzpf)) - Adult romantic love is an attachment bond, just like the one between mother and child. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k409ryg2mx0fbc6aqe3ptvqn)) - Hot sex doesn’t lead to secure love; rather, secure attachment leads to hot sex—and also to love that lasts. Monogamy is not a myth. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k409vn3wyfhtbdvkfzk1m876)) - Being the “best you can be” is really only possible when you are deeply connected to another. Splendid isolation is for planets, not people. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40a7cnj0zd3jjwwrygy1cj2)) - To really help couples find happiness, we must shore up the foundation of their relationship; that is, help them relay and rebuild their emotional connection. The technique I and my colleagues have devised, EFT, or Emotionally Focused Therapy (my irreverent children call it Extremely Funny Therapy), does just that. We’ve discovered that discontented lovers fall into set patterns of behavior that plunge them into cycles of recrimination and withdrawal. The key to restoring connection is, first, interrupting and dismantling these destructive sequences and then actively constructing a more emotionally open and receptive way of interacting, one in which partners feel safe confiding their hidden fears and longings. The results ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40aew06kvqxt1nqyyxaqwqn)) - Learning to love and be loved is, in effect, about learning to tune in to our emotions so that we know what we need from a partner and expressing those desires openly, in a way that evokes sympathy and support from him or her. When this support helps us balance our emotions—staying in touch with but not being flooded by them—we can then tune in to and sensitively respond to our partner in return. We can see this in movies of moms and secure kids in the Strange Situation experiment, and we see it in our research tapes of adults in therapy who succeed in mending their relationships. In these moments, we are what John Bowlby called “effectively dependent”; we can call to others and respond to their call in a way that makes us and our connection with them stronger. Once we are balanced, we can turn to the world and move in it with flexibility, open to learning and able to look at the choices available to us in any situation. Nothing makes us stronger and happier than loving, stable long-term bonds with others. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40bdq9ndqdjdb2ypdpjq1qm)) - The case against emotion seems to stem from two factors: its unstoppable power—indeed, it can overtake us in less than a second—and its apparent randomness and lack of logic. Research now paints a much different view. Emotion is actually nature’s exquisitely efficient information-processing and signaling system, designed to rapidly reorganize behavior in the interests of survival. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40bhnpfyst5xycz9661h314)) - Emotion is also the great communicator. It swirls within our bodies and flows out, whether we want it to or not, as signals to others. It spurs our own behavior and conveys our deepest needs to others as well as theirs to us. As such, it is vital to our love relationships. Our partners are central to our sense of safety. How can they shelter us, be our safe harbor, if they don’t know what we are afraid of and what we yearn and hunger for? Emotion is the music of the dance between lovers; it tells us where to put our feet, and tells our partners where we need them to put theirs. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40bra21p1p12amn9s10s32y)) - Culture appears to be significant in one respect, however: it influences which facial features we focus on. For example, if we’re from the West, we pay more attention to the mouth and brows; if we’re from the East, we concentrate on the eyes. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40bz2800rnamx3q95jr3e5q)) - First, there is a trigger or cue—say, a beautiful sunset or a frown on your lover’s face. This cue is picked up by the thalamus, a structure deep in the brain, and given a fast read to identify which emotion is called for and ready the body to react. The information is then relayed onward. If the initial rough assessment is that immediate action is required—as when, for example, you’re being attacked by an intruder with a knife and your life is at stake, the message goes straight to the amygdala, a small, almond-shaped organ between the temporal lobes. If there is no such urgency, information travels on a more circuitous route from the thalamus to the frontal cortex before heading to the amygdala. The cortex is the thinking part of the brain; it assesses the exact meaning and significance of the stimulus, but this assessment is too slow to be useful in critical situations. Finally, a compelling action emerges, and the body responds. In anger, blood is directed to the hands to prepare us to fight; in fear, it is directed to the feet, to prepare us to flee. The entire sequence occurs without our being aware of it; it is swift and supremely logical. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40ntk9r97b8nsaqt9we0qjt)) - The most functional way to regulate difficult emotions in love relationships is to share them. We know that confiding helps us reorganize our thoughts and responses, get clear about our priorities, receive new information and feedback, and feel comforted and calmed. The complicating issue is that the partner we share with is also often the trigger for our bad feeling. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40p16r01r7jzc6d22yz7v5w)) - A secure relationship is one in which we learn to become emotionally intelligent. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40qzw3afgt8vv8ydgctj5e5)) - We tend to focus on negative emotion because cues relevant to survival are given priority by our mind and body. But positive emotion is a powerful force as well. Life is, after all, a constant search for just this! Studies now show that happiness is not only a sign of flourishing but also the impulse that creates well-being. Just as sunlight makes gardens grow, joy makes us more alive and adventurous. It moves us forward and outward, pushing us to explore novel objects and places and engage with loved ones and strangers. In psychological terms, it sends us into “approach” behavior—but in a softer, more inquisitive way than does anger, which has a harder, more assertive quality. Negative emotions, such as anger and fear, narrow our focus, while positive emotion expands the range of our thoughts and creates the urge to play and experiment. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40r5xyp7b535r8z5ferpsjj)) - The better you are at listening to and distilling your emotions and sending clear emotional signals, the better your relationships will be. Science is disciplined observation—forming a hypothesis and testing it. You do it every day. Sit quietly for a moment with a pen and paper in front of you. Then think about this question: Can you pinpoint a time, either in your current love relationship or in a past relationship, when you felt hurt or scared by the dance you were caught in with your loved one? See if you can focus on the moment when these feelings crystallized. What was the trigger? Was it a look on his or her face? Was it a word used or a conclusion you drew from the way the dance was moving? Write this down. See if you can find the trigger—the body sensation, the catastrophic thought about you or the relationship—and the action impulse that appeared with it. Did you want to run, to turn and fight, to crawl under the rug? Write down any of these that you can name. What did you do? This question is hard. Try to focus just on the action, use a verb, and ignore the desire to defend yourself or prove your partner was wrong. Can you find a new or a “perfect” word that distills your emotional experience? (A recent fMRI study found that just being able to put feelings into words seems to calm our painful and difficult emotions.) What do you think your partner saw? Did he or she see what you were actually feeling on a deep level, or just annoyance or blankness? Did you signal your real emotion, or did you throw up a mask to protect yourself? What do you think will happen if you tell your partner about your deep feelings now? What does this tell you about the state of your relationship? Your answers will probably depend on how alarmed you were. If you were very apprehensive, the emotional cue traveled the fast road to your amygdala, the processing center for fear. That may make it hard for you to think this through, but you probably will be able to pull up your instinctive reaction. If there was less alarm and urgency, the message went the longer route, through your cortex, where it was thoughtfully assessed, and then on to your amygdala. This path makes it easier to pinpoint your reaction. Paying attention to the way your emotions unfold in interactions with your partner can reveal important patterns. Once you recognize a sequence, you can exert more control over how you react and offer your partner guidance as to the response you need and want from him or her. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40rgt7g6ss1tcejr3rg10ah)) - As psychologist Louis Cozolino of Pepperdine University observes, “Without stimulating interactions, neurons and people wither and die. In neurons, this process is called apoptosis, while in humans, it is called anaclitic depression.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40rsr0ym3zzkzxkcnc0dy32)) - The greatest gift a parent has to give a child—and a lover has to give a lover—is emotionally attuned attention and timely responsiveness. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40s8bcd2cms2m1eqgk9pjj7)) - Sex is emotion in motion. —Mae West ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40s9dxd9mqwh745v16vywv0)) - attachment determines how we behave in bed as well as out of it. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40sa0zqe4kp5q6180yf7zgy)) - To researchers like me, adult love has three elements: sexuality, caregiving (a blend of attentiveness and empathy), and attachment. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40sg1rq1qrsvpb1vd2kn732)) - The level of ease with closeness and the degree of safety we feel with our partner translates into different kinds of sex, each with its own practices and goals, and it even directs our sexual fantasies. We can have sex that centers on physical sensation and is walled off from our heart, our emotional life. We can have sex that is mainly emotional consolation, focused on comfort and relieving our fears. Or we can have sex that is synchronous, intimate, and integrated with our deepest emotional needs. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40sjg41ysmbazk62e7zjf0a)) - Those of us who are avoidant, that is, uncomfortable with emotional closeness and dependence on others, are more likely to have what I term “sealed-off sex.” The focus here is on one’s own sensations. Sex is self-centered and self-affirming, a performance aimed at achieving climax and confirming one’s own sexual skill. Technique is prized; openness and vulnerability shunned. There is little foreplay, such as kissing or tender touching. And no cuddling afterward—once the Big Bang occurs, there’s nothing left. Partners’ feelings are deemed insignificant and are easily dismissed. Because pleasure without emotional engagement is shallow and fleeting, this kind of sex needs continual boosting to be thrilling. Novel techniques and new partners can momentarily heighten excitement, but the incessant experimenting can lead to unsafe practices and coercive pressure being applied to partners who are hesitant to participate. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40tvq5s89869qs8364y5v3n)) - More anxiously attached people, by contrast, tend to have “solace sex,” that is, to use sex as proof of how much they are loved. There is emotional engagement, but the chief feeling is anxiety. For such people, who are highly vigilant and sensitive to even a hint of rejection, sex serves as reassurance that they are valued and desired. For men, it is usually the sex act itself that gives comfort. For women, it is the kissing and cuddling that precedes and follows it. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40tzdck6r4r1hrr2qg3v2ps)) - Secure partners are able to express their needs and preferences. But you’d never know from the images on TV and movie screens that communication is part of sex. There, good sex is almost always a dreamlike experience. Partners never seem to talk; they appear to instinctively know what to do. In the real world, great sex is often full of chatter and laughter (“Move over—I’m falling off the bed”). ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40vbyadmt7zhqgjrkjt34vf)) - Because of the link between oxytocin and sexuality, there is a natural propensity for sex to lead to bonding, thus inclining us to long-term relationships. Oxytocin has another fidelity-supporting effect, one that negates the “sex inevitably gets dull with the same partner” argument. In fact, in studies of cocaine addiction, oxytocin has been shown to interact with dopamine receptors in the reward centers of the brain and actively block habituation so that pleasure does not diminish. This seems to be evolution’s way of ensuring that mothers and infants and adult lovers will find their interactions, including sex, infinitely and continually rewarding. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40w4840e06ap9hh0x8e26n7)) - What about the argument that passion is impossible to sustain over the years? This is true—if we do not know how to invest in the security of our bond or if we only know how to have sealed-off, avoidant sex. More and more novelty is necessary to sustain attention if sensation and performance alone are the focus of intercourse. Then familiarity becomes the death knell of exciting sex. For secure partners, however, rigorous studies and surveys show that the thrill can last indefinitely. This excitement is not the explosive lust of first infatuation but a deeper exhilaration that rises from knowing someone profoundly. When I ask my client Jerry, who has been happily married for thirty years, about his sex life, he responds, “Do you mean the ‘Oh, my God, this is fun, and this shows she likes me, and we are *so* hot’ sex, like in the beginning of the relationship? Or do you mean the kind we have now, where we are really tuned in to each other—what I call ‘soul sex’? It’s still a total thrill, but it’s a whole different kind of heat. This is like the morning sun.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40wbx438p92gx3wnhz282fy)) - “Women’s brains clearly respond differently to sexual cues—the control regions of their brain always turned on in response to a sexual cue,” says Gillath. “It seems like they have a natural tendency to pair safety concerns with lust. They are preoccupied with security, which makes sense—sex is simply riskier for them.” Sex puts women in a very vulnerable position; they are smaller and weaker than men, often naked and on their backs. They have to overcome the natural fear that that helpless position induces. They appear to unconsciously ask themselves: “How sure do I feel about this person? Can I trust him?” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40wkc6v70y2r9k08n51vqgh)) - Women with low libido particularly seem to need more sensual, teasing foreplay to cement their sense of security and move into the awareness of desire and arousal. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40ws12frnhyph1x4gc8jnq4)) - For men, that means overhauling their view of female sexuality and adjusting their verbal and physical approaches to make it apparent that there is desire for the person, not just for orgasm. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40wsh6avgmr67epwnvpzw84)) - “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.”) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k40zddgm6v5w9d1w92qgveea)) - There is good evidence that avoidant folks are more susceptible to addictions in general. If you cannot find your way to healthy attachment, you go in search of a substitute. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k445zhkaa1m3hes3f0xaa3s9)) - Science today is offering us a new understanding of sexuality: mature sexuality grows from and flourishes in a secure sense of attachment to others. As the actor Peter Ustinov quipped: “Sex is a conversation carried out by other means.” Where there is no conversation—no emotional connection—the consequences are dire. But when we bring attachment and sex together, there is nothing better, and it makes perfect love sense. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01k44697q2eteapedtp84p31km))