Models - Attract Women Through Honesty - Mark Manson ![rw-book-cover|200x400]( ## Metadata - Author: **Mark Manson** - Full Title: Models - Attract Women Through Honesty - Category: #books ## Highlights - **A** man's attractiveness is inversely proportional to how needy he is. The less needy he is, the more attractive he will be to women on average. The needier he is, the less attractive he will be to women on average. Neediness is when a man places a higher priority on others’ perceptions of him than his perception of himself ([View Highlight]( - By *investment*, I mean the degree to which you sacrifice/alter your own thoughts, feelings, and motivations for someone else. By *less* I mean that as a man, you should not be willing to sacrifice your thoughts, feelings, and motivations for someone else more than they sacrifice theirs for you. ([View Highlight]( - To most women, a man with no neediness is like a woman with perfect tits and a gorgeously sculpted ass. To a woman, a man with a lot of neediness is like having the worst breath and missing teeth. ([View Highlight]( - Seduction is the process by which a man induces a woman to become as invested in him as he is in her. ([View Highlight]( - Guy meets girl. Guy shows less investment in girl than himself, sex and/or relationship occurs, guy becomes more invested in girl than himself, sex stops and/or relationship falls apart. ([View Highlight]( - pick up lines, routines, value tactics and the like are only short-term solutions ([View Highlight]( - The only real dating advice is self-improvement. Work on yourself. Conquer your anxieties. Resolve your shame. Take care of yourself and those who are important to you. ([View Highlight]( - Needy men only know how to care about what others want, even if it harms themselves. Non-needy men look for that intersection where they can get both their own needs and their partner’s needs met. Narcissistic men overcompensate and decide to only pursue getting their own needs met. ([View Highlight]( - Narcissism is also taught to men as a form of dating advice. Much of the dating advice out there advises men to be selfish, to be “alpha,” to be dominant and aggressive and to ignore women’s objections or rejections, to pursue what you want no matter what and take it through pure persistence and aggression. It will justify this advice with all sorts of explanations that women don’t actually know what they want, that they’re just “testing” you, that they actually want it but they can’t say it, and so on. ([View Highlight]( - The key to non-neediness is to have both: respect for both oneself and for women ([View Highlight]( - **W**hen most men hear the word “vulnerability,” their immediate reaction is to associate it with weakness. In general, men are raised to withhold their emotions, to not show weakness, and to ignore any hint of introspection. On top of that, most of the popular dating advice out there encourages guys to be aloof, standoffish, judgmental, and at times, scathing towards women. ([View Highlight]( - In this way, vulnerability represents a form of power, a deep and subtle form of power. It’s courageous, even. A man who’s able to make himself vulnerable is saying to the world, “Screw the repercussions; this is who I am, and I refuse to be anyone else.” He’s saying he is non-needy and high status ([View Highlight]( - Remember: what you actually say doesn’t matter; *why* you say it matters ([View Highlight]( - . No exceptions. You can have the best line in the world, but if you’re saying it because you’re needy and desperate for validation and approval from women, then she is immediately going to sense it ([View Highlight]( - This is why using pick up lines is ultimately a futile process. I could sell you the best 100 things I’ve ever said to women, but I can’t ever sell you my intentions or my confidence in myself. You must develop those on your own. And once you do, the actual lines you say will be personal and congruent *to you* and nobody else. ([View Highlight]( - Vulnerability requires honesty, and honesty only works if it’s given unconditionally, with no strings attached. That means everything you say and do must be done without any ulterior motive. You are simply expressing your thoughts and feelings as they come to you, without inhibition, without shame ([View Highlight]( - In the example above, my plan of action? I would have said to her, “Let me know when you’d like to get together again. If you’re not interested, that’s fine too.” Yes, I will actually say this to her. Not in a harsh manner. But in a clear manner. I’ve said something similar to women probably 5-10 times. Without exception, they’re completely stunned. Often, they immediately apologize and say that they didn’t mean to be so flakey ([View Highlight]( - Your ability and willingness to establish boundaries is inversely proportional to how needy you are ([View Highlight]( - Men who are non-needy establish strict boundaries because they value their own time and happiness more than receiving attention from a woman. They also see no reason to trample over other people’s boundaries ([View Highlight]( - Projection is completely different. There are a lot of women who, for whatever reason, are afraid of their own sexuality and/or openly sexual men. They harbor trust issues and resentment with men. Usually, this is because they have a history of some sort of emotional/sexual abuse and/or they’ve experienced a long string of disappointments with the men in their life. ([View Highlight]( - Men don’t seem to understand that if a woman rejects him because he’s short, or because she doesn’t like his hair, or because she finds him boring, then he wasn’t going to enjoy being around her anyway. ([View Highlight]( - Again, the men who are needy and have poor self-esteem are the ones who are willing to completely alter their personalities in order to seduce *any* woman ([View Highlight]( - Women who are Unreceptive are just that: they’re unavailable and/or uninterested in having a sexual/romantic relationship with you. The most common reasons that put women in this category are the following: - You’re far needier than she is, and she’s therefore not attracted to you. - She has a boyfriend/husband and is happy in her relationship. - There’s too much friction preventing her from being willing to date you, such as a difference in values, difference in interests, bad logistics, etc. - She’s not interested or looking for *any* man at the moment ([View Highlight]( - The next category is Neutral. This category can be difficult for men to understand because it’s not as common for us as it is for women. Typically, a man knows within a few seconds if he’s willing to meet and even sleep with a woman or not. Women aren’t like that. They spend a lot of time being unsure about a man and need to be swayed one way or the other. Women in this category are usually women who you’ve just met or have only spent a little bit of time with. The important thing to know is that women do not ever *stay* in this category. They eventually polarize one way or the other. And if you never make an advance or show interest in them, then they will *usually* polarize towards being Unreceptive (this is the Friend Zone ([View Highlight]( - The goal with Neutral women is to polarize them through your words and behaviors. This may mean flirting with them or teasing them. It may mean asking her on a date. It may be as simple as smiling at her from across the room ([View Highlight]( - women who are Receptive are women who are sexually/romantically attracted to you. You can recognize women who are Receptive in two ways: 1) they initiate with you, and/or 2) they reciprocate your actions enthusiastically. ([View Highlight]( - Some examples of a woman initiating with you: - She makes strong eye contact with you and doesn’t break it. - She approaches you. - She touches you unprovoked. - She asks for your number or invites you out with her/her friends. - She asks you a lot of questions about yourself and seems genuinely interested in you. - She introduces you to her friends. - She gives you her number. - She comes up with some excuse/story/reason for you to hang out with her or spend time with her ([View Highlight]( - In fact, most women, especially very beautiful women, even if they’re attracted to you, won’t initiate with you. Remember, women tend to be less invested before sex, therefore, they (usually) expect men to initiate in the beginning. There are also strong cultural pressures on women to wait for the man to initiate ([View Highlight]( - Here are some other common examples of reciprocation: - She ignores her friends to stay and talk to you. - She keeps very strong eye contact and laughs a little too much at everything you say. - When you touch her, she touches you in return. - When you put your arm around her, she leans into you. - When you take her hand to move somewhere, she holds it in return. - When you ask her out on a date, she offers a place to go or mentions something she’d like to do with you ([View Highlight]( - The goal with Unreceptive women is to identify them and move on as quickly as possible. They’re time sinks. Typically, if women are Unreceptive, they’re Unreceptive for a good reason, and it has little to do with you (or maybe it does has everything to do with you, in which case you should learn from it). You’re almost never going to change the mind of an Unreceptive woman, and even when you do it’s often not worth the effort. I strongly believe in the idea of “Fuck Yes or No.” That is, I want women to say “Fuck Yes,” once they’ve gotten to know me ([View Highlight]( - I’ll say this: in seven years, after meeting thousands of women, I can think of maybe five instances where a woman was flat out Unreceptive towards me and I “won her over.” If she shuts you down, tells you to go away, tells you she’s not interested, tells you she has a boyfriend, move on. Seriously, get over it and move on. You’re wasting your time. I don’t care how special you think she is, there’s another one out there who’s just as special who *will be* Receptive to you. The two most common time sinks with Unreceptive Women are the Friend Zone and women in relationships ([View Highlight]( - Once inside of it, the Friend Zone is almost impossible to get out. And if you do ever get out, it’s likely not due to anything you tried or did anyway. Why? Because a man who does not act on his sexual desires is a man who is needy, lacks vulnerability and is therefore unattractive. ([View Highlight]( - The Friend Zone is the biggest possible time sink because most men who are stuck in it entertain fantasies that they’re simply waiting for the inevitable to occur. It plays into their fantasies of romance and destiny. Their perspective is that *they* are the perfect man for her and one day when *she* wakes up and realizes how foolish she is, she’ll realize that the love of her life had been sitting right there by her side all along. ([View Highlight]( - Typically, if men have been friends with a woman for even a month or two without ever explicitly indicating their sexual interest in her, it’s likely too late. ([View Highlight]( - If you express your truth and demonstrate not only that you’re non-needy but also frictionless for her (similar interests, values, life situation, etc.), then she will become very Receptive. And when I say very Receptive, I mean very. ([View Highlight]( - You do this by making yourself vulnerable, sharing yourself unabashedly, and polarizing her one way or the other and being comfortable with either result. ([View Highlight]( - At the bar, the first question out of my mouth is one of my favorites for Neutral situations: "What's your favorite thing in the world?" ([View Highlight]( - Finally, we have the Receptive women. Finding these are the best because they are the most rewarding interactions while requiring the least amount of effort. When you meet a Receptive woman, the goal is simple. You escalate. You make a move. You move things forward — assuming you want to, of course ([View Highlight]( - The percentage of women who are Receptive to you will increase proportionally to the quality of your lifestyle, your social status, and your looks ([View Highlight]( - The percentage of women that you’re able to move from Neutral to Receptive will be proportional to how good your “game” is, or how well you’re able to communicate and express yourself with women. And your ability to sort through each type of women and meet as many as possible will be determined by how fearless and bold you are when it comes to meeting women. ([View Highlight]( - You *cannot* be an attractive and life-changing presence to some women without being a joke or an embarrassment to others ([View Highlight]( - Being hated by nobody usually means you’re not loved by anybody either. ([View Highlight]( - You’d be surprised how many women will respond with attraction to nothing other than a man who is bold and willing to stick his neck out. ([View Highlight]( - Your ability to deal with the failure will determine how much you get to deal with success ([View Highlight]( - But both of these memories are still bright in my mind, as they’re some of the most important learning experiences I had with women — even more important than many of my successes. ([View Highlight]( - If you choose to believe “success” with women is determined by which woman chooses you or how much money you can provide — well, then there’s a good chance you’re going to be quite lonely followed by ending up with the nearest woman capable of tolerating you for a lifetime ([View Highlight]( - Success = Maximizing happiness with whichever woman/women we prefer ([View Highlight]( - For most of the men in the world, their “success” with women is defined by: Being married or not being single. - Never being rejected. - Dating a woman who is more attractive than his friends’ girlfriends. - How many women they can approach or have a date with. - Quantity of women rather than quality of women. - If she fits some stereotype of what “beauty” is. - If she’s the kind of woman you’ve been raised to think you should date. ([View Highlight]( - The Three Fundamentals are: 1. Creating an attractive and enriching lifestyle. 2. Overcoming your fears and anxiety around socializing, intimacy and sexuality. 3. Mastering the expression of your emotions and communicating fluidly ([View Highlight]( - Honest Action is overcoming your fear and anxiety around women. Our anxiety is another form in which we highly invest ourselves in others’ perceptions and avoid our truth ([View Highlight]( - All fear around your sexuality is a result of feeling inferior or unworthy. If you’re afraid to approach a woman, it’s because somewhere inside you are more invested in her opinion of you than you are in your own opinion of yourself ([View Highlight]( - If you’re afraid to ask a woman to come home with you, it’s because you are afraid of the sexual reality that you want to sleep with her — you’re more invested in her *not* rejecting you than you are in aligning yourself with your desires ([View Highlight]( - Honest Action correlates directly to the *quantity of women* you meet and attract. ([View Highlight]( - I call it Honest Communication because it’s learning how to communicate your true intentions and emotions to others clearly. Often we have certain thoughts or feelings, but we don’t know the best way to convey those thoughts or feelings. This third fundamental focuses on how to do that ([View Highlight]( - Honest Communication will determine the *efficiency* with which you are able to attract women who are compatible to you. A man who communicates poorly or is unable to express himself clearly will lose a lot of romantic opportunities to “lost in translation” situations — misunderstandings, vague communications, inaccurate assumptions, etc ([View Highlight]( - Socially anxious men tend to have the third fundamental down very well. They’re good at expressing themselves and are very aware of social norms and what others are thinking/feeling. In fact, in a lot of cases, socially anxious men are *too* aware of what other people are thinking and feeling and, therefore, have a lot of social anxiety. They’re afraid to speak to new women. They get nervous pushing things forward. They’re scared to ask women on dates. ([View Highlight]( - Socially disconnected men are the opposite. These are men who have always been a little bit “oblivious” to what others think and feel around them. Usually, they’re guys who have always kind of kept to themselves and grew up more interested in their studies or some nerdy subject than the people around them. ([View Highlight]( - The struggle for men in this category is going to be the third fundamental: learning how to express themselves and understanding how people think and feel around them. These men have little hesitance or fear for action, but they tend to do the wrong actions at the wrong times over and over and over, and they rarely understand why. ([View Highlight](