The Science of Love, Desire and Attachment - Huberman Lab  ## Metadata - Author: **Huberman Lab** - Full Title: The Science of Love, Desire and Attachment - Category: #podcasts - URL: https://share.snipd.com/episode/50f54c1b-91ec-4841-8a24-841c5a5e9034 ## Highlights - The New Science of Adult Attachment Summary: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love. The authors are a mere levine and rachel heller. They have really taken the literature that i described on the strange situation task, mapped it to adult attachment styles. And they've mapped out ways that they've observed in their clinical practice. Transcript: Speaker 1 Somebody who falls into category one, two, three and four, the mere knowledge of that can be very useful. But you might ask, what do i do with that knowledge? Well, fortunately, both psychologists and biologist have ted to leverage that knowledge toward establishing better, more secure bonds in adult romantic relationships. And there's a book that has really tapped into this. I think it's the first book that has really addressed this head on. And that book comes from two a columbia professors. And the title of the book is attached, the new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love that the authors of this book are a mere levine and rachel heller. Again, both of them are skilled academics and researchers who have really taken the literature that i described on the strange situation task, mapped it to adult attachment styles. And also they've mapped out ways that they've observed in their clinical practice. ([Time 0:36:41](https://share.snipd.com/snip/b6b9c2fd-bad4-4b5f-adfe-815029da1ae9)) - Tags: #love - Relationships - Are You Dependent on the Presence of Someone? Key takeaways: • Codependency is a term that can be misinterpreted as any dependence on another person is not good. • A healthy interdependence is when our autonomic nervous system is adjusted by the presence of another person, but we can also adjust our own autonomic nervous system even in the absence of that person. Transcript: Speaker 1 These days, we hear the term co dependent a lot. This was a, i believe, the term was first coined by pa melody. And it actually does occupy an important role in the world of troma, troma healing, so called troma bonding, topics of another episode. Actually did an episode on fear and trom and we will do one all about troma bonding with an expert at some point in the future. But codependence and codependencyat the term, can sometimes be misinterpreted as any dependence on another isn't good. Amr dence? A healthy interdependence, of course, is good. It is the hall mark of healthy child parent relations, sibling relations and romantic relations. But a key element of healthy interdependence is that, yes, our autonomic nervous system is adjusted by the presence of another, but that also that we can adjust our own autonomic nervous System even in the absence of that person, that if the person goes away, temporarily or permanently, that we can still regulate our own autonomic nervous system, both from states of Stress to states of calm, both from states of exhaustion to states of more alertness. And of course, we all need sleep to go from exhaustion to alertness. But what i'm referring to here is the ability to regulate when distraught, or regulate when fatigued or feeling depressed. ([Time 0:50:42](https://share.snipd.com/snip/f87e0d2f-485e-4a99-900a-ce1cf5430a96)) - Tags: #love - Neural Circuits for Empathy Summary: The neural circuits for empathy are absolutely crucial for falling in love and maintaining stable attachments. i'd like to talk about those neural circuits and what they are. What it means is that their seasaw is driving your seesaw, or your see saw is somehow driving their sea saw. That there's a match in terms of the tilt of those sea saws. Now, it doesn't have to be an exact match, right? If someone that you really care about is very, very stressed, you could also become very stressed. That's just how our brains work. Transcript: Speaker 1 So given that the neural circuits for empathy are absolutely crucial for falling in love and maintaining stable attachments, i'd like to talk about those neural circuits and what They are. Now often when we hear empathy, we think, oh, empathy is really about listening to and really understanding what somebody else is feeling. Maybe even feeling what they are feeling. And indeed, that's the case. But what do we mean by that, right? What is it to feel what another feels? Well, what it means is that their seasaw is driving your seesaw, or your see saw is somehow driving their sea saw. That there's a match in terms of the tilt of those sea saws. Now, it doesn't have to be an exact match, right? If someone that you really care about is very, very stressed, you could also become very stressed. ([Time 0:57:13](https://share.snipd.com/snip/64eb01eb-04ef-4522-9256-700ddf5953dd)) - Neural Circuits for Attachment and Desire Key takeaways: • The insula and the pre frontal cortex are important for autonomic matching, which is the process of matching our own bodily reactions to what we are seeing in the world. • The neural circuit associated with self-lusion is important for understanding and experiencing love and attachment. Transcript: Speaker 1 And then we have this thing that we're calling empathy, which is really about autonomic matching. And again, the insula and the pre frontal cortex are noral cits that are crucial for autonomic matching, because they allow us to say, what's out there, and do i want a match to it or notk, And then the third category of neural circuit that helen fisher and others have found to be important for desire, love and attachment is the neural circuit associated with self lusion. What do we mean by that? Well, first of all, self delusion implies a kind of a cynicism about love and attachment. And i think it was george bernard shaw that said, a love is really about overestimating the differences between individuals. A, actually, when i hear that and i say it, i really don't like that quote. Ihave no bone to pick with george bernard shaw. But what it suggests, and i think what he meant was that, a, you know, in love and attachment, we tend to put so much value in the other that we forget that many of the processes that are going On in our brain and body actually could be evoked by many other people too. ([Time 1:08:55](https://share.snipd.com/snip/b8bca549-c633-4fe4-9da7-d11fac594180)) - Tags: #love - The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Key takeaways: • The four horsemen of the apocalypse are behaviors that almost always predict a couple will break up. • Contempt is the most powerful predictor of a breaking up. Transcript: Speaker 1 So much so that they've established a method by which they can look at video interaction between couples and with very high degree of certainty, predict whether or not those couples Will stay together or break up over time. And they've identified what they call the four horsemen of relationships. These are things that essentially almost always predict that a couple will break up. And i think the current number on this is that gotman can predict divorce with 94 % accuracy, which, if you think about is pretty remarkable. So even though these are purely psychological studies, i'm not aware of any analysis of underlying physiology, there are some things that they can observe between couples that can Lead them to predict whether or not a couple will stay together or break up with 94 % accuracye o, what are those things? Those four behaviors, what they call the four horsemen of the apocalypse. A, four relationships. A ar one, criticism, two, defensiveness, three, stone walling and four, contempt, with contempt being a the most powerful predictor of a breaking up. ([Time 1:15:31](https://share.snipd.com/snip/d8867900-ef53-4cff-96a4-9c68c3dd5dbd)) - Tags: #love - Dopamine, serotonin, testosterone and estrogen Summary: People that fall into the high sensation seeking, novelties seeking sponta category tend to pair up with people who are also in that dopum energic category. These would be people that would spontaneously take a trip or explore something new,. They tend bea creative and explorative types. So that group, on average, tends to date and mate and potentially form long term relationships within category an averages. Transcript: Speaker 1 What is interesting is seeing how those different groups of individuals that she absolutely caneo is based on their self reported preferences about behaviors and certain kinds of Interactions, how those groups tend to pair up with people in the same or opposite categories. So what her studies reveal is that people that fall into the high sensation seeking, novelties seeking sponta category, the one that she calls the hi dopomine category, tend to pair Up with, at least in the short term, tend to pair up with people who are also in that dopum energic category. So, ah, these would be people that would spontaneously take a trip or explore something new, or new restaurant a. They tend bea creative and explorative types. So that group, on average, tends to date and mate and potentially a form long term relationships within category an averages. ([Time 1:28:56](https://share.snipd.com/snip/5f52cbab-bd0c-40de-9997-c53bf6b1e8c1)) - Tags: #love - Is It Important That You Love Yourself In Order To Really Fall in Love With Someone Else? Summary: When one is not looking for a relationship that they're most likely to fall in love and form a stable relationship. It's really the person who needs a lot of self expansion stimulating statements or actions coming from other people that is most prone to seeing other potential partners out in the world as attractive. And in this sense, we can return to the autonomic nervous system as kind of a, asKind of aa glass that i can be filled up through various contexts. it could help us understand more about how our own feelings are affected by others' around us. Transcript: Speaker 1 So when i hear statements such as it's important that you love yourself in order to really fall in love with somebody else. Or it is when one is not looking for a relationship that they're most likely to fall in love and form a stable relationship. I can filter that through these findings to say that it's really the person who needs a lot of self expansion stimulating statements or actions coming from other people that is most Prone to seeing other potential partners out in the world as attractive. And in this sense, we can return to the autonomic nervous system as kind of a, as kind of aa glass that i can be filled up through various contexts. ([Time 2:05:52](https://share.snipd.com/snip/a8dd49f0-a8a9-46e3-b3c1-152007907fe0)) - Tags: #love - Do Supplements Increase Libido? Key takeaways: • There are substances that have been shown to be statistically significant in increasing measures of libido. • Maca, m a c a, and tribulus are three of these substances. Transcript: Speaker 1 And everybody is different. None the less, there are studies that point to specific substances that are sold over the counter, that, at least in the united states, are legal, and that have been shown to be statistically Sign cant in increasing measures of libido. There are many such substances, but three that in particular have good, per reviewed research to support them are maca, m a c a, which is actually a root tongat ali, sometimes called Long jack, i didn't name them, forgive me. And tribulus, or tribulus it's sometimes called. ([Time 2:18:51](https://share.snipd.com/snip/7d002071-e858-4f8d-a2ed-3f39af86bd4e)) - Tags: #love - Tonga Ali Increases Libido Summary: But tonga ali is the typical name. This is an herb. There's a malasian version and an indonesian version. My understanding is that the indonesian variety of tonga ali is the one that is most potent for its effects on libido. Transcript: Speaker 1 But tonga ali is the typical name. This is an herb. There's a malasian version and an indonesian version. My understanding is that the indonesian variety of tonga ali is the one that is most potent for its effects on libido. ([Time 2:25:38](https://share.snipd.com/snip/72a2a2d7-9c6f-42b2-8759-f5db63686016)) - Tags: #love - Nootropics for libido Summary: Maka tonga ali can indeed create significant increases in sexual desire. In some cases by adjusting the test osteron and estrogen system. Think more studies are certainly needed, but these three substances do work. Transcript: Speaker 1 Think more studies are certainly needed, but these three substances, slash supplements, maka tonga ali, in particular in donesian, tonga ali and tribulous, can indeed create significant Increases in sexual desire and in some cases by adjusting the test osteron and estrogen system. In some cases not, by adjusting the test osteron and estrogen system. Again, pointing to the complexity of neurchemicals and features that adjust things like libido a desire. ([Time 2:31:22](https://share.snipd.com/snip/a5c71e0d-8de1-4415-834c-9630235f5cc2)) - Tags: #love