How to Not Die Alone

The Romanticizer has unrealistic expectations of relationships. They want the soul mate, the happily ever after—the whole fairy tale. (View Highlight)

The Maximizer has unrealistic expectations of their partner. They love to explore their options and want to feel absolutely confident they’re making the right decision. (View Highlight)

The Hesitater has unrealistic expectations of themselves. They feel like they’re not ready to date. (View Highlight)

People with soul mate beliefs reject promising partners because they don’t match their vision for what love should look and feel like. They think that love will just happen to them. They expect love to be effortless. If it’s not, they must be with the wrong person. (View Highlight)

People with a work-it-out mindset know that relationships take effort and that building a successful relationship is a process. (View Highlight)

Maximizers obsess over making the best possible decision. American economist, political scientist, and cognitive psychologist Herbert A. Simon first described this personality profile in a 1956 paper. According to Simon, Maximizers are a special type of perfectionist. They’re compelled to explore every possible option before they feel like they can choose. Yet this compulsion becomes daunting, and ultimately unfeasible, when they face a vast number of possibilities.

Psychologist and The Paradox of Choice author Barry Schwartz explains that what separates Maximizers and Satisficers is not the quality of their decisions, it’s how these decisions make them feel: “Maximizers make good decisions and end up feeling bad about them. Satisficers make good decisions and end up feeling good.” (View Highlight)

During our next session, Doug pulled up his laptop and showed me his work. “Brielle,” he said as the page loaded. “She’s the one.”

• Hesitaters delay dating because they don’t feel 100 percent ready yet and want to put their best foot forward. But no one ever feels 100 percent ready for anything. At a certain point, you just have to start.

Key tip for your dating search

1. Emotional Stability and Kindness (View Highlight)

2. Loyalty (View Highlight)

3. A Growth Mindset (View Highlight)

4. Personality That Brings Out the Best in You (View Highlight)

5. Skills to Fight Well (View Highlight)

6. Ability to Make Hard Decisions with You (View Highlight)

• Who were you in your last relationship? (For example, the pace-setter, pulling your partner along with you? Or the caboose, being pulled? The mentor or the mentee? The one who committed easily or the person who struggled to put down roots?)

Conversation #1: The Past

Conversation #2: The Present

Conversation #3: The Future