The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Statistics tell the story: 96 percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the fifteen-minute interaction! A harsh start-up simply dooms you to failure. (View Highlight)

Dara’s harsh start-up sounds the warning bell that she and Oliver may be having serious difficulty. (View Highlight)

Certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that I call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Usually these four horsemen clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the following order: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. (View Highlight)

Horseman 1: Criticism. You will always have some complaints about the person you live with. But there’s a world of difference between complaint and criticism. (View Highlight)

Horseman 2: Contempt. The second horseman arises from a sense of superiority over one’s partner. It is a form of disrespect. (View Highlight)

Horseman 3: Defensiveness. It’s no surprise, considering how nasty her husband is being, that Cynthia defends herself. She points out that she doesn’t get her car washed as often as he thinks. (View Highlight)

Horseman 4: Stonewalling. In marriages where discussions begin with a harsh start-up, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness and vice versa, eventually one partner tunes out. This trumpets the arrival of the fourth horseman. (View Highlight)

In 85 percent of heterosexual marriages, the stonewaller is the husband. This is not because of some lack on the man’s part. The reason lies in our evolutionary heritage. Anthropological evidence suggests that we evolved from hominids whose lives were circumscribed by very rigid gender roles, since these were advantageous to survival in a harsh environment. The females specialized in nurturing children, while the males specialized in cooperative hunting and protection.

It’s a biological fact: men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than are their wives. (View Highlight)

A crucial part of a couple’s pattern is whether their repair attempts succeed or fail. (View Highlight)

That’s why I can often predict a divorce by hearing only one discussion between a husband and wife. The failure of repair attempts is an accurate marker for an unhappy future. The presence of the four horsemen alone predicts divorce with an 82 percent accuracy rate. (View Highlight)

Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps (View Highlight)

I can name my partner’s best friends. T F

Name my two closest friends. (2)

How would you like your life to be different three years from now?

My Triumphs and Strivings

Injuries and Healing

My Emotional World

My Mission and Legacy

Who I Want to Become

Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration (View Highlight)

Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. They cherish each other, which is critical to keeping their Sound Relationship House intact and preventing betrayal. If fondness and admiration are completely missing, reviving the relationship is impossible. (View Highlight)

94 percent of the time, couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history and their partner’s character are likely to have a happy future as well. When happy memories are distorted, it’s a sign that the marriage needs help. (View Highlight)

I can easily list the three things I most admire about my partner. T F

Thanks for making dinner. It was delicious.

Discuss how the two of you met and got together. What were your first impressions of each other? What made your spouse stand out?

Why do you think some marriages work while others don’t? Discuss two couples you know who you agree have a particularly good or bad relationship. What is the difference between these two marriages? How does yours compare to each of them?

WHAT I REALLY CHERISH ABOUT MY PARTNER IS THAT SHE OR HE IS SO:

Week 1

Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away (View Highlight)

That’s because I find deep drama in the little moments. Will they read or listen to the news together or silently alone? Will they chat while they eat lunch? I watch filled with suspense because I know: couples who engage in lots of such interaction tend to remain happy. What’s really occurring in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting—they are attuning by turning toward each other. Couples who do so are building mutual trust. Those who don’t are likely to lose their way. I rarely see small moments of connection in the tapes of couples who later divorce or report their marriage has permanently soured. More often, the wife doesn’t even look up from her magazine—and if she does, her husband doesn’t acknowledge what she says. (View Highlight)

It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life. In marriage, couples are always making what I call “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away. A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life. (View Highlight)

There’s a reason that seemingly small events are fundamental to a relationship’s future: Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I’ve come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they’re faced with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times. (View Highlight)

Many people think that the secret to reconnecting with their partner is a vacation by the sea. But a romantic outing only turns up the heat if a couple has kept the pilot light burning by staying in touch in the little ways. (View Highlight)

We enjoy doing small activities together, like washing the dishes or watching TV. T F

“Missing” a bid because it’s wrapped in anger or other negative emotion.

Being distracted by the wired world.

Below is a long list of activities that some couples do together—everything from walking the dog to going bowling. Choose the three that you most appreciate your partner having done in the past. You can also circle an item if you and your spouse have done it jointly. Then simply thank your partner for having turned toward you in these ways.

Here are detailed instructions for using active listening during the “Stress-Reducing Conversation.”

Your wife’s brother yelled at her for not yet repaying money he loaned her two months ago. Your wife is feeling outraged and hurt by her brother’s attitude. (She does owe him money.)

Acknowledge the difficulty. Admitting to your partner that confronting and responding to negative emotions is tough for you is a great first step. Just making it known that you are willing to work on the issue can go a long way toward improving the situation.

EXAMPLES OF EXPLORATORY STATEMENTS

EXAMPLES OF OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

EXTRA TIPS FOR LISTENING TO SADNESS AND CRYING

(View Highlight)

WHEN MY PARTNER IS IN A BAD MOOD I USUALLY: